I’ve decided that the state of stagnation I’m experiencing in my personal and professional ambitions is, as usual, due to one slight miscalculation.
All this time, I’ve been operating under the presumption I’m one of the good guys.
Maybe my destiny — my true niche — lies on the other side of the moral swamp. Perhaps a better venue for my core competencies would be in the pursuit of an Evil Overlord-ship.
As always, when considering such a strategic shift, it’s wise to do a little research online. Luckily, even aspiring Evil Overlords such as myself can find resources with which to hone our ambitions for world domination.
Among the gems I have tucked away for future reference:
7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
46. If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This,” and kill the advisor.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
109. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
I’ll let you know how these play out as doomsday approaches.