A Message for a Special Someone

To the bilious incompetent who spit out his gum in the parking lot of the Donaldson Station Post Office:

You MORON. How brainless, how obtuse, how lazy does one have to be to disregard the most basic tenet of human culture — “throw your gum in the trash”? I’m sorry but we’re trying to have a society here.

Yes, I “found” your gum. I was lucky enough to step in your enormous wad of masticated chicle and get it all over my favorite leather sandals.

To the good fortune of all — particularly my young son — I managed to confine my immediate utterances to: “Stupid idiot. STUPID IDIOT!” Yes, that is YOU.

The afternoon sun had managed to bake your refuse into a superhuman substance totally impervious to Kleenex, cardboard and every other material with which I tried to wipe it off.

Thanks to your consideration, I was privileged to interrupt my errands and drive all the way home again to change shoes, the entire car fouled by the noisome pestilence of asphalt-baked spearmint. Delightful.

In case you think this is an isolated incident, let me remind you that we have met before.

YOU are the person who fails to flush or wipe the seat in public bathrooms. The person who tests cosmetics at the store and then puts them back on the shelf for other people to buy.

You take up two parking spaces everywhere you go. You cough and sneeze in public without covering up. You never signal, you never look before you merge.

You never think about anyone but yourself.

Lucky for you, I don’t believe in Karma. If I actually thought it existed, I would console myself with the knowledge that, next time around, you would be duking it out for seniority with the lowest forms of microscopic life.

Instead 0f Karma, I believe in a benevolent, forgiving God who welcomes even the most heinous of repentant sinners into His glory.

But in the meantime, until you ‘fess up, I am satisfied that God (who is also JUST) will be using your own selfish, ignorant, uncivilized, morally-bankrupt, ego-driven actions to make your life in sin a sheer misery.

So here’s to you, buddy! May the joy you’ve given us all return to you ten fold.

P.S. The next time you run out of toilet paper in a public bathroom, all I have to say is: GOTCHA.