Monthly Archives: April 2010

Spring Market

Well, I survived the Spring Market. Thanks largely to the good company of good friends who managed to put up with me for an entire day-and-a-half.

Even with no drinking involved.

Now that it’s over, I’ve been just kicking back, mentally decorating the Alys Beach retreat I plan to buy with my profits.

Maybe this one. Although a three bedroom seems so … economy class.

Okay, perhaps not.

I did make some money. But I had a very full car on the way home. Lots of people exclaimed over our merchandise only to buy … none of it.

Even so, I found the event to be very productive as market research, so I know what to focus on down the road.

The Tulsa Destination Blinds were big hits.

My friend Neil made the fridge magnets and these beautiful paper wreaths.

Neil’s sister Amanda came up with these lost sock boards which are a stroke of genius in my book. I also sold quite a few GooRoos but didn’t get a frontal picture of their display (the bassinet in the photo below).

I also got a few hits on people interested in custom vinyl.

All in all, it was nice show. I’m not sure how much I would have to have sold to be “thrilled,” but apparently, I need the affirmation of my creative spawn flying off the shelves to feel fully legitimated.

I guess I’m just needy that way.

I Had the Group Liquidated

I’ve decided that the state of stagnation I’m experiencing in my personal and professional ambitions is, as usual, due to one slight miscalculation.

All this time, I’ve been operating under the presumption I’m one of the good guys.

Maybe my destiny — my true niche — lies on the other side of the moral swamp. Perhaps a better venue for my core competencies would be in the pursuit of an Evil Overlord-ship.

As always, when considering such a strategic shift, it’s wise to do a little research online. Luckily, even aspiring Evil Overlords such as myself can find resources with which to hone our ambitions for world domination.

The Top 100 Things I’d Do if I Ever Became an Evil Overlord

Among the gems I have tucked away for future reference:

7.  When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”

12.  One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

21.  I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

46. If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This,” and kill the advisor.

52.  I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

62.  I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

74.  When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.

92.  If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

109.  I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

I’ll let you know how these play out as doomsday approaches.

It’s All in How You Say It

It only takes having a four-year-old to learn how key enunciating your words can be.

For example, my four-year-old has the tendency to drop a lot of “R”s. Mostly harmless. Except when saying at least one word.

Today’s lesson:

I was in the kitchen fixing the kids a sandwich after church. Griffin was battling with the buttons of a collared, button-down shirt — his nemesis. After a few minutes of struggling, his annoyed and plaintive request:

“Will you get this sh-t offa me?”

Say what???

For the moment before I could put it together, I was horrified. Then I got it.

Shirt. He said: “shirt.”

Whew.

I know a lot of you parents have a list of “no-no” words your kids aren’t allowed to say. Butt, stupid, hate, shut-up, etc. Maybe you can help me out with this one.

Exactly how do I ask him to never say the word “shirt” again?

The New Oven

Scott installed the new double oven today and I’m thrilled.

There’s nothing like a shiny new appliance to make me feel like spending some time in the kitchen.

Thank you, Green Country Home & Garden Show, for making this post possible.

And thank you, Lowe’s, for honoring competitor’s coupons and making it more possible.

Here’s the new oven on her maiden voyage. Brownies.

Let The Era of Baking begin.

First Job

Is there a psychological term to describe the imbalance of someone who posts photos that will only embarrass herself, as though she had no control over the content of her blog whatsoever? Because that would be me today.

But anything for your amusement, right?

Yes, this was my first real job. (And all my own hair.)

I think it was 1991, which means I would have been fourteen. I made $4.50/hour.

Actually, I was paid$4.50/hour. But the job was in the mall. Ten yards from the food court. Surround by a retail Xanadu. I probably didn’t make anything.

Just reminiscing makes me want to take an ice bath. That costume was hot. I wore an ice pack on my neck in the lame attempt to cool the air inside that wretched plastic head.

There were actually two bunny heads available: the brand-new mask with fluffy cheeks and clean fur, and an older version, not so fluffy and not so clean. Therein lies the quandary: the new bunny mask smelled better but weighed significantly more. Do you choose the heavy but stench-free version? Or opt for the lighter mask and live with the odor of stale sweat from dozens of bunny predecessors?

Those of you who know how smell-sensitive I am will comprehend the weight of the new mask when I confess I chose the old one.

Even bunnies in photos have the tendency to multiply like… rabbits.

This is me with my friend Jamie, my erstwhile co-Bunny and co-photographer.

Yes, lest you think my employable skills ran only to the furry end of the spectrum, Jamie and I would would take turns sweltering in the bunny costume or standing at the helm of a camera the size of a compact car to take photos of marginal quality for which we charged outrageous sums of money on behalf of our employer.

But the photographer shift was infinitely superior to playing bunny. And the terrible costume was only half of it. I will never understand why donning a furry costume to earn some extra cash provokes abuse. But it does.

Recently, I founded the Society for the Prevention of Abuse of Costumed Kids Laboring at Easter  (SPACKLE) to help eliminate this threat to our peaceful society. I’m sure 99% of people don’t engage in the wanton abuse of the Easter Bunny with malicious intentions. But you, too, could inadvertently be guilty of ACKLE unless you submit to our reeducation initiative.

To prevent ACKLE, just remember to avoid SMOG.

  1. Slapping - The bunny mask is not a helmet. It a giant, airless echo chamber of fur-covered plastic resting on the weary shoulders of an underemployed teenager. Please do not hit.
  2. Mobbing - I know that picture of you and all eighteen of your pledge sisters will be adorable, but not every one fits on my lap at once. Although the costume makes the Easter Bunny look sturdy, underneath is actually a skinny teenage girl who has no idea her metabolism will drop dead at the age of 27, so she’s spending half her paycheck at the food court inhaling ice cream and pizza and Chik-fil-a because it instantly melts away from her youthful physique, at least until she marries and has two kids and is working a hundred times harder and staying up all night and really needing those extra calories and instead finds that even the slightest indulgence to satisfy her cravings results in cellulite and love handles and a panicked dash for the “fat clothes,” when all she really wants to do it wear cute, trendy outfits over a cute, athletic figure and look in the mirror to see something other than flabby triceps and muffin tops and thighs that look like they got savaged with a bag of nickels and let’s not even discuss the gray hair and the creaky joints and— Er, uh, never mind.
  3. Offspring - Yes, your kid looks precious in his Easter togs. But I don’t think you should force him to sit on my lap if he’s flailing like a feral cat and shrieking at the top of his lungs. I know you’re telling him I’m a really nice person but he’s actually terrified by the giant, bug-eyed rabbit head I’m wearing. And, no, telling him to look inside the mouth of the bunny mask and see the girl inside doesn’t help because now he thinks the Easter Bunny ate me and is screaming even louder.
  4. Guns - I’m all for hunting as sport, but the Easter Bunny isn’t reasonably considered a game animal, so please stop shooting at me with your pellet gun. Thank you.

(True stories, all.)

It was child exploitation, plain and simple. We attempted to unionize but Jamie and I couldn’t settle which of us got to be the union delegate and which of us was the rank-and-file member handing over our paycheck.

Even so, I learned a lot about what kind of job I didn’t want someday and had a little fun in the meantime.

I don’t remember meeting any boys, though.

Strange. I’m not sure why.

On Easter

I’m sitting here at at my parents house, waiting for a fresh-out-of-the-oven chocolate cheesecake to cool enough for me to put it in the fridge so I can go to bed. And I find myself thinking.

What a dark night this must have been almost 2,000 years ago.

I’ve had a couple of those.

Most days, I am a testament to the notion that everything goes better with sleep. No matter how bad the day seems to be going, I know that I’m one solid afternoon siesta, good night’s rest, or even 20-minute power nap away from a brighter outlook.

But then there are those times in life when the prospect of night is just a sentence to eight hours of sleepless agony. I’ve been furiously angry and slept like a baby. I’ve been sad, discouraged or disappointed and still managed to…Zzzzzzzzz.

But there is something about the finality of death that transforms the “to be continued…” ellipsis of sleep into a period of immovable stone. The dawn we usually anticipate with zeal, that great cosmic reboot that offers us fresh perspective, is powerless against the granite anchor in the pit of our stomach.

Death is the end of hope.

I think about what that awful Saturday meant to Christ’s disciples. Did they find comfort in the familiarity of Sabbath observance? Were they merely going through the motions, counting the minutes until Sunday dawned and they could — what, exactly? Did some of them plan to flee Jerusalem? To go back to their old lives and try to forget all they’d seen? Surely it crossed at least a few of their minds.

These days, “hope” has become a quasi-meaningless byword, a double-edged political football tossed back and forth by two teams grappling over an imaginary line of scrimmage. The true significance of hope — the uplift of the human spirit against the formidable weight of circumstance — is reduced to a catchphrase.

But I’m sure a few souls heard the drumbeat of hopelessness echoing in the quiet of predawn Jerusalem: He is dead. Nothing will ever be the same.

They’d pinned their hopes on Jesus. And He was gone.

He’d beckoned them to walk across the swelling seas, heal the sick and cast out demons in His name. He had preached with authority and walked in certainty, declaring His eternal kingdom was at hand.

How had it all gone wrong? They had nothing left to cling to. The man who’d entered Jerusalem as a King has been dragged out as the lowest of criminals and executed in a public repudiation of all that His coming had seemed to portend.

And they, His followers, His friends, were left behind.

Huh. Sleep your way outta that one.

There is no darkness like that darkness, no mattress comfy enough to soften that blow.

And after Friday’s scramble to bury Him, after the enforced reflection of that somber Sabbath, after hours of sleepless agonizing, the day finally breaks.

The women must have been waiting all night. “Very early in the morning,” they made their way to His tomb, determined — in spite of everything — to honor His remains as the King they’d once thought He would become.

I wonder if anyone tried to discourage them. The expense of the embalming, the possibility that they’d be turned away from the sealed tomb, the danger of showing their fidelity to this radical even after His execution — any one might have been reason enough to abandon their plan. It was too late, anyway.

He is dead. Nothing will ever be the same.

They were half right.

Where they thought to see the decaying body of a would-be King, they find instead an empty tomb and a discarded shroud. Not the darkness of a grave but the gleaming light of two heavenly messengers carrying an impossible message: “He is not here; He is risen!”

Nothing will ever be the same.

There is no darkness like death. And no light so blinding as this: “Death is swallowed up in victory.”

The grave is overcome. The tomb is empty.

He is Risen.

My New Toy

Between plans for the bathroom remodel, volunteer commitments and getting ready for Spring Market, March was a busy month. But I have had time to buy a new toy — one I hope will play a starring role in both the remodel and the Market.

Thanks to the incredible amount of wind this week, conditions have not been suitable to break it in yet. I’ve had to content myself by walking around my house and making a mental list of all the things I want to paint.

Which includes basically everything.

I can’t wait to get started.

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