Monthly Archives: September 2009

Tears and Fears (and rears).

I fear my computer is hosed.

Boo-hoo-hoo. Sniff, sniff.

Yes, I spent most of my evening doing just that. Until I gave up trying to sort out the mess and watched both Jon Gosselin and Flipping Out until I felt, well — not better, exactly, but OCD casts a long shadow. Almost as long as wife-on-husband spousal abuse. At the very least, I feel more philosophical.

So now I’m sitting at The Dragonslayer’s computer, waiting for McAfee Virus Scan to tell me that everything is perfectly fine — which is wrong, wrong, WRONG — and coping with the knowledge that other people out there are facing much more challenging and heart-rending circumstances tonight than I.

Now I’m really depressed…

So all I can offer before I thump my head against the desk for choosing a diet that (until Saturday) forbids alcohol in any form is a cute anecdote — one lone, shining moment of humor from an otherwise aggravating and tormented day.

After naps today, it was time to pile the boys in the car and go vote (Note to Self: check election returns…). By the end of the twenty-minute chorus line that passes for “getting ready to leave the house” around here, my precious eldest son is still parading around in nothing but a pull-up, walking the tightrope of my last fraying nerve. Walking? He’s doing Riverdance on it. And bless him, he doesn’t even know it.

The cold truth is that Griffin is a gifted meanderer. His guileless little soul has no malice a forethought: yet he piddles, he drifts, he dawdles, lost in a world all his own. Maybe it’s a world with a giant waterfall crashing into a churning riverbed or huge jet planes taking off all day. Because there has to be a reason he tunes me out. It must be that he just can’t hear me.

Anyway, it goes like this:

Harried Mom: Griffin, it’s time to go.

Dawdling Son: [unintelligible response — perhaps a quote from Dora — followed by no discernable movement exitward]

Harried Mom: [trying to keep a lid on it]  Son, I am losing my temper.

Dawdling Son: [cue the wide-eyed, deer-in-headlights look, thinking: What did I DO?]

Harried Mom: [DEFCON Four] Griffin, get your butt downstairs NOW.

Dawdling Son: [innocent eyes widen, searching the floor in sudden panic] Where’s ‘my butt’?

Of course, I stopped. I took a deep breath. I laughed. I explained the new word and its related concept. Dear child, how can such sweet innocence be aggravating? Thank you, Lord, for a little reminder of what’s most important in life.

Hint: it’s not my POS computer.

Phase 1. Initiate.

Why I didn’t figure this out when it was swimsuit weather, I will never know. But I finally decided it was time to get back on the wagon. South Beach Diet wagon, that is.

It’s not any crazy health kick I’ve adopted. Nor am I planning on leaving my husband for Clive Owen. I’d just like to have another baby within the next year or so but I’m paranoid if I don’t lose at least a few pounds between kids that said pounds become mine for-ev-uh — which fear will drive me to do a lot of extreme and abnormal ["Abby Normal"?] things.

Like give up carbs.

And fruit.

And chocolate.

For two whole weeks.

Ladies and gentlemen, that is serious motivation.

If you’re looking for a primer on the ins-and-outs of the South Beach Diet, buy the book. Suffice it to say that for someone who does not like eggs and will not each fish or seafood, SBD is an odd choice. But we’ve got history together, SBD and I, so I’ve crawled back to him like a skanky ex-girlfriend, ready to beg him to take me back. I hope blogging about my quest will just help keep me motivated. And honest. I need all the help I can get.

The Rules:

  1. I won’t reveal my actual current weight.
  2. I won’t reveal my target weight.
  3. Oh … and I won’t reveal my weight.

Sing it with me: “Ain’t nobody’s bidness but my own…”

DAY FOUR

Weight:  -2 lbs.

The Highs:

  • I found a recipe for a South Beach Muffin made with milled flax seed instead of flour. It isn’t anything I would ever eat on a normal, diet-free, carb-rich day, but it’s almost so very close to bread that I’m nearly grateful to gnaw it down every morning.
  • I also found recipes for Socca and Farinata, two more “almost breads” made with chickpea flour. [Talk amongst yourselves...The chickpea is neither a chick nor a pea. Discuss."] Findingchickpea flour was an odyssey that entailed multiple trips, mercifully sans children, until at the third store I discovered it was sold as garbanzo flour. Fine, whatever. Haven’t tried the recipes yet, but I’m hoping the socca can stand in for tortillas when I make fajitas…

The Lows:

  • I’ve been a little disappointed at my pace. The first time I tried SBD, I think I lost 5 lbs. the first two days. This is probably because I have much less weight to lose this time but it was still a little irritating. It also motivated me to eliminate another couple things (little cheats, really) that I thought I could handle.
  • I haven’t really missed too many carbs, but I’ve been craving fruit like a giant ape.
  • Chocolate, chocolate, wherefore art thou? One of my small cheats was sugar free Jello pudding — but then I discovered it, too, is a no-no. (How does this make sense? You can have sugar-free Jello and sugar-free Fudgsicles, but no sugar-free pudding? Sigh.)

All in all, doing okay. Ten more days of Phase 1 to go.

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